Move along now,

it's too soon to say much, but it's a strange time.

she moved away two days ago, and there is going to be not a word shared between us. for reasons:
+ i would not be able to move on, or, more accurately for this kind of feeling, i would not be able to think less often about it, i would not be able to forget.
+ and i don't want to provide, at a distance, as a friend, what she may like or want - a respect, understanding, care, intimacy and an affection - when those are the things she should be taking and finding completely in her own love; it's not my place, and it would leave me drained over again. i would like to give those things as a friend, to the level a friend does, but my feelings go deeper than that, and so friendship is too hard for me when she remains in love elsewhere.

but it's a strange time now, because she is gone, and in my realistic view, forever. (i think her feelings could never bring her back, for the situation between us would hold this strangeness and unbalance, despite a willingness for there not to be. plus, i don't know how romantically radical a person she is, and i see her more able to find happiness and comfort in where she finds herself, which, for someone like her, shouldn't be too hard.)

having presented my heart, demonstrated and said, and been the friend, there's a very real feeling that i wouldn't be comfortable welcoming her interest again. i feel i've given everything i can to her, been everything i can while being true to myself and my feelings. this experience of having given that, and it be not enough, and being well left alone, would doubtlessly leave a burdening feeling in me of inadequacy and second-best were she to turn around. and nobody wants the job of cheering up a sad-sack...
...unless they really do like them. so, i guess, despite it all, that could be a positive start.

my thoughts don't consider this chance/future much at present, as said, it's all so seemingly distant in time and likelihood. her mind is on her current situation, and rightly so.. too long i feel i've been tresspassing there. my thoughts now (when not in a tired daze of the last few days) are more on getting a bearing on where i am here in life, in being individual, in being aside from the dreams. and (to hint to the other dimension to this) about...

...what are these feelings of mine for others? it's a different thing. and what to do? and thinking we're maybe having more fun than we ought. at least there's an honesty. (this last part should hold meaning for a few... and that's intended for now.)

i'd probably like to live life without that boring, overwhelming L-word for a while (tired of it) - the one i do consider/feel usually to be so much a shared-life-goal. how about i also try not to hurt anyone in the meantime - 'keep up the honesty' is the personal motto here (and not with an agenda-driven selection of the truth, but with the whole intention-emotional-situation-shebang).

enough rambling for now, i think.

There's nothing to see here...